The truth about puppies

I have wanted to have a dog since I was a kid. Now, at the ripe old age of 43, I've finally got one. An amstaff puppy.

Meet Becky.

It's only been two weeks but I already feel like an expert on all things puppies. And let me tell you: you've been lied to. Here, I want to set the record straight. To tell the truth about puppies.

First things first. Puppies are dumb. Almost as dumb as human babies. I should know, I made three of those. They get smart eventually. With dogs, I am not so sure. I watch the grown up dogs in the dog park and they behave just as dumb as my puppy. So there.

Doing dumb things all the time, you'll spend an inordinate amount of time preventing them from happening or dealing with the aftermath. Are you running a business, or a side hustle, or have anything substantial going on in your life? If so, be prepared to put that aside once you get a puppy. You won't have the time anymore.

Whoever's every claimed dogs are smart is either lying or has sank down to their level. You'll soon learn why. Most of it has to do with their bad eating habits and running into dangerous or gross things.

As does Becky.

When getting to know you, she might lick you. You could be forgiven for thinking it's her way of kissing - far from it. Instead, she is tasting you and calculating the risk profile of biting the flesh off your hand. You know that's what she does because eventually she'll start biting you. And those puppy bites, they hurt! You've got to slap the bitch around until she learns not to do that.

Don't let her cute facial expression mislead you. She is not a primate like us. When she looks at you, it's only to get something to eat. And if that's not forthcoming, she'll drop the cute face fast, and attack.

Speaking of eating: yes, dogs are technically carnivores, in that only meat and bones do anything worthwhile for their metabolism. That does not preventing them from munching on anything they stick their faces into, however. And more gross it is, the better!

Licking dove shit as soon as we get out of the apartment is just the entrée. Cigarette butts, stones, plain dirt, leaves, sticks, shit of other dogs, human shit, she loves this stuff. Until something get stuck in her dirty little mouth, that is. Then you've got to pry it open and extract the shit while getting bit.

Out the door you have to get otherwise she makes a bathroom out of your living room. And so you depart, five, six, seven times a day to walk your dog.

Whoever invented the phrase "walking a dog" should've also invented a more apt phrase for taking a puppy out. Because walk you will not.

More appropriately, it could be called "sitting with your dog outside" as you can't take more than two, three steps before she'll sit down to observe the goings on.

Offering a treat can help but only to make her move towards you to take it, then she'll sit down again. Soon enough you start yelling. Lately, I've also deployed corporal punishment into my vocabulary but these beasts can take a lot more abuse than I can give.

If the surroundings are familiar to her, she'll occasionally run around or even walk by your left leg like a good dog she's supposed to be. In new areas, she would mostly sit and watch or sniff around like a Mossad spy in a hostile territory.

Being a puppy, she's interested in everything. I suppose that's a good thing. I remember being interested in things.

Like other people, for instance. They make an inviting gesture, and she runs toward them, ready to cuddle, wagging her tail like it's the first time she met someone nice. You stand there, leash in your hand, a pathetic cuckold.

I don't know about other dog owners but I just hate it when random strangers pet my dog without permission. Something about the act just sets my blood to boiling temperature instantly.

Other dogs are fine, usually. They get she's just a puppy, let her sniff their asses, and move on.

The outing can take anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours. You have to wait until the poop comes out otherwise it comes out in your living room. To be honest, this type of incident has only happened a few times with her so far. That's because we are out most of the time trying to prevent that from happening again.

How the puppy behaves in your apartment really depends on your ability to tire her outside. The ideal puppy comes home and sleeps instantly. Before I learned that, I had to watch her at all times to take inappropriate objects of affection out of her mouth.

I suppose it comes down to expectations vs. reality. And whoever sets these expectations should have a class action coming to wipe them out. It's all cuddling and affection and unconditional love when it's someone else's daily problem, I suppose. In actual reality, on planet Earth, you've got to work your ass off to get an ounce of payback out of your puppy.

Feeding her, playing with her, walking (kinda) her outside, buying things for her amusement... the list is endless. Nothing unconditional about her behavior, quite the opposite. She gets what she wants, maybe you get a lick or a tail-wag. Then back to the grind. When she sleeps, you try to recover. Perhaps you also get some sleep. And then she wags her tail when she sees you after waking up in her cage, tilts her head just a little bit, and a new day begins.

This is the truth: you are not getting a dog. The dog is getting you.

PS Yeah, of course I am kidding. Sort-of. I love my Becky, the litte bitch. It gets a little overwhelming at times.

Published on 21 May 2020

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